On Joy

I’ve been reveling in this quarter of absolute beauty, two months of which I’ve now spent married (!) This time is inclusive of the high highs of feeling so full and content and joyful, right alongside the lows of anxiety, grief and a healthy dose of the guilt of not knowing how to feel amidst the rumbles of a world that seems to make less and less sense as we trod on.

So much of our memory is crafted in post. Far removed from the realities we dealt with as it happened, the incompatibilities, the various hoops we jumped through, the things that didn’t work out. What do we choose to fixate on? What detail defines our experience of an event? How we choose to remember is almost just as important as what we choose to remember. And in my recent musings, the way we speak about our joy, the unapologetic claims of a reality, as contrived as it might feel, that belongs only to us, is telling.

Joy is such a fleeting emotion, and I always find myself hyper protective of my experiences of it, scared that if I talk about it too much or share and publicly enjoy an experience past an arbitrary threshold, it will be disqualified. I’ve been fascinated with this for some time now, how we shrivel our emotions to fit the range of the people we’re around, modulating whether or not they have capacity, wondering if it’s ever enough. I too have wondered if it’s the generational preoccupation with nazar, the constant paranoia that it could all go south if we give it much visibility. Or if it’s just our own inability to fully experience the full spectrum of joy amidst the happenings of a world going through the wringer. Or if the performative nature of posting something sacred and personal on an app commodifying it all begging you to buy something cheapens the joy of sharing.

In any case, 10 year old Radhika couldn’t have ever fathomed this particular feeling nor the potential of experiencing marriage at this “dum” age nor the kind of joy building the greatest relationship of my life could bring her. What an honor to live a life beyond her wildest expectations.